An Update and an Invitation

I haven't written in quite sometime and I have only one plausible explanation for my absence; and that, my friends, is the prison known as school. I'm not going to complain about school, as of now it's pretty tolerable. So far, the homeworks aren't as bad as I thought they would be, and I got a pretty decent score in my Geometry diagnostic test. My classmates, well, they're very hyper; and at least I made some new friends. I hope third year won't "break me", as some would call it. I'm ready for those all-nighters (ugh, no!); and for those terrible work projects. Although, I'm pretty hyped up over our newest English Transfer Task. We're supposed to make a Literary Analysis paper on the book which we chose. I usually do those things in my head, where I analyze a character and whatnot, so I'm really looking forward to writing it down and submitting it to my English teacher.

I've also re-opened my goodreads account. Well, I never really used my old one; because I was too lazy to find out how to actually use goodreads, but now I feel productive and ready to rate and review books; and to find new ones. I should really keep my other accounts active, or to at least deactivate the ones I don't use.

~~~

I also joined this Youth Ministry here in my neighborhood. I was a bit apprehensive about that at first; but then I realized that several Theresians from the batch above me joined, so I decided to give it a shot.

This Saturday, we're having a fun run. If any of my followers here are interested in joining, please message me on my Tumblr . I must remind all of you though that in order to join this fun run, you'll have to pay Php 150 and it starts in the wee hours of the morning. You get a free shirt and a bag of goodies! But it'll be totally worth it!


COME TO THE FUN RUN, WHERE IT'S MORE FUN IN WEST TRIANGLE! 

Two Friends, Two Subjects

Right now, there are two things on my mind. One is about the constant yelling and podium-slamming that's happening on TV right now; I am watching the final verdict of Corona that is happening on my television. After watching Miriam Defensor's speech, I couldn't help but think: Wow. Shouting really doesn't help when you want to be listened to.

Take note, I said listened to. Not heard. There is a very big difference between the two.

Sure, I was interested in the speech of Ms. Miriam Defensor, but honestly, I couldn't help but reach for my remote control and turn down the volume as she yelled. Her mouth, moving in directions I couldn't have dreamed a mouth could moved in, caught my attention--- more so than the words coming out of her mouth. The way she switched from Filipino to English really got on my nerves; once I got used to her screaming in rapid fire Filipino, she'd suddenly pull an Oprah Winfrey and give a very clear and proper sentence spoken in English. It was only during the end, after I went up and got an Advil pill from the medicine case, did I realize that she didn't want Corona to be convicted.

Groaning at the fact that her voice was very loud and annoying, I went to my grandfather and said that Miriam Defensor should not have spoken; and that she should have said her verdict in one sentence, I was shocked that he answered me with a simple sentence: She had the best argument.

Now that I had time to think of it, I really didn't listen to her message. In fact, I simply sat there, complaining that she was straining her vocal cords. Yes, I heard her voice (which was very loud, in fact), but I didn't listen to what she said. Perhaps Miriam Defensor had a good speech, and perhaps her arguments were very strong and thought-out, but her shouting got in the way of what she was saying. When you shout, you don't only make yourself tired; you actually make everyone listening to you tired as well. Most of the people in the room, would just go: What the hell, I'll just put on my earplugs. Tell me when she's done talking; and only the few with a a bucket filled with patience would just go and actually listen to the person shouting.

That is why from now on, I promise not to strain my voice. I promise not to scream when no one listens to me, or when someone starts arguing with me. If I want someone to listen, I'll simply go talk to that person calmly and assertively--- the perfect combination, according to Cesar Milan, that is.

~~~

The second thing on my mind is on jealousy. Well, not the kind of jealousy which Korra might feel whenever she'd see Mako and Asami together (Oh my gods, I am addicted to that show.); no, I'm talking about the jealousy I feel whenever I see two of my friends growing closer together as I slowly drift away. You see, I have had this friend since god knows when. I grew close to this person, and I considered her as a sister. We talked for hours on end, and she seeemed like someone I could confide with. She became that friend I'd always dream I would have--- the Stitch to my Lilo, the Flounder to my Ariel, the Mushu to my Mulan....

But suddenly, we added another person to our loop and soon we became a triad. It was fun for me at first. I decided to welcome this person with open arms; making sure she'll feel accepted in our circle (not that I needed to; my other friend was doing fine without me). The phrase "the more the merrier" came into mind as I'd talk to her and my friend. I definitely agreed with that statement then...

As of now, I'm not so sure. I feel that I'm starting to drift away from the two; I feel as if I'm slowly turning into a ghost when I stay with them. Now a days, I merely observe from a distance as I watch the two talk to each other, or if I do talk to them, they start talking about what they did while I was somewhere in the universe. I felt left out. It's as if I became the middle man, the fallback guy and whatnot.

But I don't blame them. I don't blame myself. I don't blame anyone else but growth, maturity and development... and the weird thing is, I don't know why I blame them either.

~~~

Anyway, I can't think of anything else to write. I'll just stop writing and take another long, cold shower. That might be able to clear my mind.

Blank Mind, Blank Blog

My mind is blank. I don't exactly know what to write or even if I should be writing with such a blank mind. For some reason, words have escaped me and the ability to just know what to write has escaped me. I remember the days when I could just wake up in the morning and know that I'm going to write this or I'm going to write that. I can't do that today. It seems that I am experiencing the tragedy which is known as writer's block.

And now, what am I supposed to do? Most of the day, I spend it infront of the computer--- either on Tumblr. Tumblring away, commenting on the latest Avengers' post or something like that; or I'm on the RP, writing paras or having conversations. As of right now, it took me ten minutes to think of the title of this blog post... and twenty minutes to figure out what the first word of this entry shall be. The blinking line mocks me. I can already hear it saying: You call yourself a writer? Prove it. Write something as catchy or as brilliant as what the others say. You can't, right?

Okay, maybe it is not saying that... but that's what my subconscious mind is thinking. It's as if it's telling me to be a better writer, or at least to try to be a better writer. I really could improve my grammar (me no write properly unlike other people), and my vocabulary needs to be widened (I have to stop saying okay! or yeah, totally!). I should start doing more crossword puzzles and find it games. That'll at least make part of my summer productive.Speaking of productivity, I started reviewing myself in both Algebra, Chemistry and English. I've been reading the Merchant of Venice and I've been brushing up on my factoring and such.

Ah, well. I swear, after I finish this blog post, I'm going to look for some crossword puzzles to fill out. My mind is itching to be renewed.

I should probably just leave it there. I mean, it's time to eat and then it's time to fix my brain and attitude. I'll see you guys later.

Destruction and Doom of __________

Do you know that feeling when you just want to torture the characters you have made? Well, I'm feeling that now. For some reason, I had this certain character in mind which I just want to destroy inside and out. It's like I'm tempted to rip her guts out and feed it to the hellhounds. I'm tempted to throw her away in the corner of the earths so that no one would ever see her again. I want this certain character to be humiliated one way or another... but if I do that again, I fear that she'll become a Mary Sue.

So, what do you think? Should I destroy this certain character (who most of you who follow my blog know about) or should I make her life happy? 

Tis your opinion which I shall listen to. 

Black and White

Black and White.

Nothing is black and white anymore. The line between good and bad suddenly disappeared into nothingness. Confusion and justification has taken its place. Whenever you do something which other people deem as good, there will always be a handful of people correcting you; telling you that what you did was wrong. So, then, if that is the case, what exactly is good?

Google dictionary defined good as something that is morally right or righteous. It sounds simple enough. Do what is righteous and you'll be one of the good guys; but seriously, what is righteous? If you ask ten people what they think of that word, you'd probably be getting ten different answers. 

It's like asking whether Robin Hood was right to steal from the rich and give to the poor. A lot of people would say that the end does not justify the means. A lot of people would also say that he was giving the people the money which they deserved. Personally, I would think that he did do the right thing. Robin Hood was the only one with the initiative to go and stand up to their corrupt monarchy; if he thought that stealing from the rich was the only way to restore balance to the universe, then by all means, he did the right thing.

Though that is my personal opinion, my family disagrees with me. I love my family, yes, but I do admit that their views of society clash with mine; most of the people in my household are very old school--- I'm not saying that it's wrong to think that way (a little old school can help sometimes), but I can't help but think that their views are outdated and sometimes, a bit useless.

The word good, in my opinion, grows with us. As each year passes, we start to learn more about that word and soon, we'll learn the real meaning of good, if there is any that is. Sometimes what people think of as good isn't so good after all. I remember the time when the African Americans were degraded by society. I remember how people thought that they were dirty and how they were forced to be slaves of the others. People thought that by putting them "in their place", they were doing the right thing. That was years ago. Now, people are promoting equality among the races. That's what is right now. That which was considered as wrong before is now deemed as a beautiful thing. What would have happened if we did not question the slavery of the African Americans? What would have happened then? Would we still consider them as dirty objects? Will we still consider segregation and discrimination as good? 

This little essay has become long-winded. It was just on my mind for several days now and I just needed to release everything. I'm wondering if I did the good thing. I guess I'll never know.

Drabbles and Other Things

I don't want to enter my pit of self-pity again but sometimes I can't help it.

Well, it's not actually fun to hate yourself but it satisfies this sort of sick wanting that bubbles inside of you- at least, that's how I feel whenever I see a flaw. I view self-pity and loathing as a drug; it's something which slowly kills you, yet somehow you can't live without it. Am I making any sense? Probably not. So, I'll just write about my experiences of self-hating here on this blog.

~~

I was never exactly comfortable with myself--- my body, my mind, my attitude. I was never they type of person to stay optimistic; the type that says: Everything's going to be fine. In fact, from January-March of the year 2012, I could have won the Noble prize for being the greatest pessimist of the 21st century. You should have seen my previous blog (it has two long posts about how I am the most imperfect person in this universe and little bitchy rants like that), the blog which lead into the falling out with this close friend of mine. 

Getting out of this state of mind proved to be quite a challenge for me. Even with the knowledge that half of my friends absolutely enjoyed my company (that was sarcasm; they were pissed off with my very existence, thank you very much; I don't blame them, I was too), I still continued to drown myself in this sort of state of mind. It took several weeks, two sessions with a psychiatrist and a lot of headslaps, but I was finally able to get into another and much better state of mind. 

I finally reached the: I'll do what I love and I'll love what I do. Fuck the rest. 

~~~

Sometimes I shift back into that already shitty idea of myself and yeah, sometimes, I do think that I'm this giant screw up who disgraces my whole family... 

But that all can be fixed with one little headslap.

Nothing Personal

This is my fourth blog.

Yes, my fourth; and unlike my first three, I intend on keeping this damn blog up and running. Before that, though, let me explain the untimely demise of my first three.

The first blog I had was on Tumblr- a very modest writing blog where I posted a story about a girl named Elise.   It's about time-travelling and different universes which somehow all connect to one Mary-Sue. Needless to say, after rereading my first chapter about her meeting her best friend and her soon-to-be boyfriend, I needed to scrap the stories of Elise. It would be a career suicide not to.

My second blog was a Posterous blog; a simple and plagiarized blog. I attempted to somewhat, mimic, the blog of my former classmate who shall remain unnamed. Needless to say, I was envious of her many readers; of how many people would go up and say: Wow. Your blog is amazing. So, I decided to follow her example and log into posterous... let's just say that after one post, I gave up.

Now, onto the interesting part. This will be about my third and supposedly final blog. It was doing quite well, thank you very much---over a hundred viewers; one hundred and counting. Sadly, some people weren't liking what I was posting in my blog (don't worry; after backreading, I started to hate what I was posting on my blog as well). One of my readers, a very close friend of mine, started posting very mean things about me on her personal blog and Twitter. In fact, she's one of the very reasons that I stopped going on Twitter. Although it is very tempting to rant about what she did to me, I will not. What she did was simply a reaction to my action. It's what you call the Ripple Effect.

This will be my fourth and hopefully, final blog. I won't be making this a very public blog (for fear of history repeating itself), but I'll give this link to whoever wants to read my rants, babbles and any other interesting ideas.